no. 18: affectionisms 🌄

it’s the subtlety that makes it feel more special

Aug 17, 2020

Hi friends,

We’re speaking to you from a week that has felt like one long, very rainy day. There’s a Susan Sontag reference, and a nod to the Normal People soundtrack – so you can probably tell we’re in need of an umbrella. But here’s a photo of the morning sun; it feels like the right note to start this Monday on.

Snippets from my Notes App

I’ve been thinking a lot about emotions. How some are deeper, denser, more abstract; how some are fleeting thoughts – prone to shifts in the environment. Some are dispelled by a beautiful sunset, or a hearty meal, while others seep in and take anchor inside the heart.

How much of what you feel can be changed? How much of what you are feeling is physical versus psychological? The usual advice is to get up, take a walk, make some food, hug a friend. The sad fact is that some emotions will re-appear wherever you go, no matter how blue the lake is, and how warm the sun may be.

We insist on providing simple explanations to complex feelings, but sometimes it is best to acknowledge that there is no simple way to cope with everything going on, in the external world but also the internal one.

I'll leave you with this. Victor Frankl's writes: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Is There a Sixth Love Language?

Before I returned to Philly to start my junior year last August, my family gave me this card. I found it again recently, digging through old memorabilia I’ve saved over the years. The reason for this task is two-fold. Yes, I’m still trying to decorate my room. But more importantly, I’ve been feeling precarious all week, which makes me even more prone to engaging with sentimental activities. I’m a play-sad-songs-when-already-feeling-sad kind of person.

Leading with that description, you’d probably think I’m just one giant mush of emotions. But normally, I’d like to think I’m immune to the cheesiness of these Hallmark-esque cards. I remember taking a love languages test a few years ago; Words of Affirmation was at the very bottom. But of course? I thought to myself. Actions speak louder than words! But still, I found myself getting teary-eyed.

In some ways, the pandemic has suppressed - or entirely prevented, even - the way we normally practice our love languages. Celebrations at favorite restaurants, going out to busy malls to shop for presents; even just a simple, long hug. The incompatibility of Physical Touch in a world of social distancing, or Quality Time in a period of constant troubling news and interruption can feel like hitting a dead end.

There are ways, however, in which our other love languages have found a way to persist. All the small and wonderful routines between friends and family that haven’t been obscured by life lived primarily in solitude, or miles apart, or on tiny screens. If anything, these gestures have become more regular, more intentional.

It feels like there is a sixth category - not quite Words of Affirmation; not quite Acts of Service. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel it when I call my parents in the mornings, and they ask if I’ve eaten breakfast already. It’s a friend back home in Singapore, texting me all the songs she’d think I like on New Music Friday. A random 20 second Facetime call, just to say hi. It’s kind of beautiful, coming across all the different ways you can feel like you’re being embraced or looked after, even when the person isn’t there, right in front of you. The sentiments of these gestures aren’t even diluted by their indirectness; if anything, it’s the subtlety that makes it feel more special.

Vibing to: Fever Dream by mxmtoon, and Kokomo by The Beach Boys

The Normal People soundtrack: songs are as moody as the characters. Philly’s been throwing a lot of rainy mornings at us, so sometimes I’ll play Ane Brun’s cover of “Make You Feel My Love” and pretend I am Connell’s iconic chain necklace.

Giving Meaning to Senselessness

This week I fell in love with this gorgeous and thought provoking retro photograph collection by Mohanad Shuraideh. It’s interesting how the photos are fun and kitsch, but touch on the darker sides of human nature.

Becoming a #Plantita as a Form of Self-Actualization

Plantita - the resulting portmanteau of the words ‘plant’ and ‘tita’ (the Filipino term for aunt). Side note: I laughed at the subtitle for this article about the plantitas of Manila. Even pre-pandemic, it was already striking a chord: “Do you enjoy transferring your succulents into a terrarium more than going out for a drink? Welcome to the club.”

In lieu of interacting with other human beings on a regular basis, I have decided to transform my apartment into a miniature jungle - this is the closest thing I have to being around other living things for most of the day.

Featuring: Bo the Baby Pilea, sunflowers in the sun, flowers that match my masks, and grass that matches my poster

“Normality is a paved road. It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow.” – Vincent Van Gogh

“I had a house in my heart so invaded with other people and their speech, friends I believed I was devoted to, people whose lives I can simply guess at now, that it gives me the impression I am simply a collection of them, that they all existed for themselves, but had inadvertently formed me, then vanished. But, what: Should I have been expected to create my own self, out of nothing, out of thin, thin air and alone?”- Lorrie Moore

Which + Pinterest inspired this art piece below –